The Soccer Hooligans.

Ian came scuttling up to the bar, a look of urgent concern blazing on his red face. "They fuckin' got fuckin' Patrick" he said in a high pitched voice as he sat puffing on a bar stool, "gimme a fuckin' beer will ya?".

"What d'ya mean they got fuckin' Patrick?" I asked him as I opened a cold bottle for him and another for myself. "Fuckin' gang of soccer cunts from fuckin' England beat him near to fuckin' death last night at Jerry's place" Ian replied between ragged breaths, "I just heard and came runnin' here to tell ya all that we'd better get out and sort this shit fuckin' out" he said.

"What the fuck happened? What ya mean they beat him near to death" I asked Ian.

"I mean they beat him near to fuckin' death you fuckwit, what the fuckin' 'ell do ya think I fuckin' mean?" Ian screamed back at me. Stepping back a little I replied quietly "Ok, ok calm down a bit man, tell me about it man".

Patrick was Ian's best mate on the island. Both from Washington state but years apart in age, Ian long haired and in his 30's, Patrick a retired football player. Patrick is a big motherfucker. Must have taken a few to bring him down. "How many of the cunts were there Ian" I asked him, "three of the fuckers, only got at him for a few seconds before half the bar jumped them but fuck they hit him fuckin' hard in that few seconds buddy, I tell ya!" Ian replied.

"So what's the drum then mate? what's up?" I asked him. "Well, you know what Jerry and some of those other guys have got planned?" he said. "No" I replied, "but I can imagine it'd be something pretty fucked up, eh?". "Yeah, those boys'll be goin' home in a fuckin' body bag I tell ya now pal! In a fuckin' box!", Ian was ranting now.

"So how's Patrick now?" I asked him. "Oh shit man, they bust his face in six places with a pool ball, smashed his head open with a cue and a chair, kicked the fuck out a' him and bust so many ribs, his shoulder is busted, fingers, shit man he looks fucked but he'll live we think" he replied, then went on. "Thing is you know, I'm so sick of all this shit, so sick of the violence this season. I was here last year, wasn't like this".

"Yeah, I know" I said, "but down there in Chaweng and Lamai, with all those beer bars and girlies, you know how these oiks and tossers get when they're pissed and the pussy parades, eh?". Ian looked up from his beer, "Yeah I know it too buddy, but we gotta stop this one, I can't stand another scene like when Danny got it last November then they found the body of the guy that hit him all tied up in a black plastic bag floatin' off from Koh Tao. That's no good, this shit leads to more shit, violence to violence, guns to guns, like that, eh?"

"What's the score now then Ian, what's to do about it then eh?" I asked. "Well" replied Ian, "the cops have seen the boys, made them pay 50,000 Baht to Patrick for the medical bills and time-out, Patrick's in the sick-room getting' better and Jerry and the boys are down in Lamai cleaning their guns. They got one cop on side and they gonna go down tonight and put the boys down, we gotta stop this shit buddy, we gotta stop it".

"Oh come on Ian, how the fuckin' 'ell you gonna stop fuckin' Jerry and those guys? Get in their fuckin' way and they'll do you over'n all!", I was getting edgy now, didn't want to be involved in this shit. Ian piped up "we gotta go find those pommie idiots and tell them to pack their bags NOW and get the fucking hell off the island, get the next flight out, don't fuck around waiting for the damned boat, just get the fuck out of here right now".

"Yeah, OK" I said, "but if we do that - we gotta do it without lettin' on to Jerry and the others that it was us who gave the boys the word - or we may well be fucked too - do you know where these fuckers are staying?".

"Yeah, I heard Jerry sayin' they were down at the Chalet" he replied. "OK mate, finish your beer and we'll jump in the pickup and go see them, problem is if they don't go right away and then Jerry and them catch 'em they might blab to Jerry that we came to see them and warn them, then Jerry is going to be right pissed off with us two you know?".

"Yeah, I know that" Ian said, "but we gotta stop this shit, it's getting like a bloody Tarantino movie around here lately, we gotta stop it".

"Oh" I replied, "stop it we shall my friend but we better pray to fuckin' God that we don't get found out and that those pommie idiots get the fuck out of here like we're gonna tell 'em to do".

I finished off my beer and Ian did the same, we jumped into the pickup and headed to Lamai to try to make an end to the matter. "Like I said" I muttered as we got into the pickup, "we better pray to fuckin' God we don't get found out by Jerry and the others or they'll be out for us instead - maybe, maybe not - but one way or another if we get caught out by them there'll be the fuckin' troubles for us mate!".

"Yeah" said Ian, "but somebody's gotta stop it, somebody's got to do something to stop this cycle, I'm sick of it and I'm gonna stop it now".

"Sure they'll go when we tell them to go" I said. We were both shittin' our pants as we drove out to the Chalet to warn these fuckwits. Part of me was thinking that we should let them cop the shit, let the stupid fucks go home in boxes to their mummies and daddies, stupid young lads that they were. But Ian was right, we had to stop this shit, nip it in the bud.

Later that night at my bar, both Ian and I felt quite pleased with ourselves, our little secret would remain a secret. The English lads had initially been resistant with comments like "fuck it, we ain't scared of no Yank suck-offs" and shit like that. But in the end they listened to reason. They got in a taxi and got the next plane out of the islands.

We heard tell that just a couple of hours after they left - sure enough - Jerry and the lads with a paid off cop in tow came hunting for them. Ian and me had paid the owner of the Chalet 2,500 baht to shut his mouth. Things were back to normal again and Ian and me had averted another blowout of violence on the island. Life goes on. "Next time eh?" Ian said to me. "Yeah, next time mate, next time" I replied.